Israel Science and Technology Directory

Jewish Humor

News about Jews

Date posted: July 3, 2012. Source: Anonymous e-mail.

A Jewish man was sitting in Starbucks reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be in the same store, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him and said: 'Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?'

Moshe replied, 'I used to read the Jewish newspapers, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty... I got so depressed!

So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!'

Not Kosher

Date posted: February 20, 2008. Source: Anonymous e-mail.

A Jewish man was in a supermarket in New York. He saw a black woman trying to get her young child to put down a candy bar he had picked off the shelf.
"Josiah , you put that down! It's not kosher!"

Intrigued, the young man decided to investigate.
"Excuse me, ma'am, are you Jewish?"
"No."
"So why did you say that?"
"Why? I'll tell you why. 'because I see all them Jewish mothers saying that to their kids -... and it works, so I decided to try it."

Happiness

Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keep You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
But Only God keeps You Going!
Now go back to work

The Talmudist

Date posted: March 3, 2004. Source: Rachell Fishman.

After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought: This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish district.

On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going? I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow. Ahh? But just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't need special permission to go there.

But why would he be going to Samvet? He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, and a nice looking fellow like him must be visiting the Steinbergs.

But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only daughters, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? They say that Sarah married a nice lawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a businessman from Hitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name.

What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if they allowed him to change his name, he must have some special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the University. At this point the scholar turns to the young man and says, "How do you do, Dr. Kovacs?" "Very well, thank you, sir." answered the startled passenger. But how is it that you know my name?" "Oh," replied the Talmudist, "it was obvious."